When I was younger, I had this vision of myself setting out to disappear into the great unknown. I'd settle in some small mountain town and live for awhile and move on before getting too close. Sometimes, love would find me. Maybe it's all those Harlequin Romance books I read but taking off on my own and telling no one where I was held much fascination. I read the book referenced by the CD (love the CD, too) and while his journey came to a tragic end, I never really saw an end. Or maybe I did and that's why I chose the person I married. Yes, we've moved all over this country but somehow, it hasn't been the same. I keep talking about moving to North Dakota and am met with jeers of, nobody lives in North Dakota and to which I reply, exactly.
Part of me knows this desire to move to the wilds is the part that wants to runaway from the past. To runaway from the future. To runaway from life as it has become. Why face the problems of today, tomorrow or the past if you can just up and leave when they catch up with you? Not to discount a journey that takes you to far away places, especially those journeys that bring you face to face with you. The you that you've been hiding from. The you that seeks to find happiness and inner peace. Journeys have their purpose and I know that someday, I will explore the wilds of this country and who knows, maybe I'll find the ghost of myself. But when I do this, I will not do so in a selfish manner. As I've matured and faced many of the parts of me that wanted to runaway, I've matured and dare I say it, become more responsible.
Plus, I'll have to make my journey in an RV with my very own bathroom or at the very least, my car and hotel rooms. You know, that whole safe toilet thing. ;)
*Now Playing: Society by Eddie Vedder - Music for the Motion Picture Into the Wild
5 comments:
Oh, how many times have I wanted to just takeoff....but I always need to have a clean toilet! I am a germ-a-phobe...just a little bit.
I still think about taking off, becoming someone else, a whole new person...meet new people...
You know...I can remember times I've wished I could go off for a while, alone, and spent time alone meditating in a little cabin somewhere. I always envisioned myself sitting in the middle of a huge field of flowers, with the nearest person 100 miles away. I wanted to be able to scream out loud to God, I think. I haven't thought about that in a long, long time. I don't remember when I changed, but sitting here reading this, I realized I am finally at peace with myself, even in the middle of all the changes taking place in my life right now.
But I would have to be with you--there would HAVE to be a clean toilet!!!
I am finally getting that self acceptance is pretty much the key to everything. Getting there, is still a journey, but I have made a lot of gains. I feel like I am in a much better place, more comfortable in the skin I am in. I would like to get on the road and just go some day. Without the kids. I see that happening, the day after I retire. So much to see, this time to see slowly.
XOXOX
I've still a long way to go on that journey but what is it they say about one step?
I'm afraid when I make my cross-country trip off the beaten path, I'll have to find somebody other than the husband to go with me or go myself. It's not his thing. He prefers to fly to a major destination and stay busy from sunup to sundown.
Hubby was after me to move to Montana where the nearest neighbor would be miles and miles away. When I finally said, let's do it he found excuses why we can't.
He has a CDL, passenger endorsed drivers license so we say that once the kids are done with high school (3 years) we'll scale down the farm and he'll become a coach driver and I'll be his tour guide. Not exactly getting away from it all, but still different than the rut we're in now.
I would love to be able to get away for even a little while. I know all the trials and tribulations will still be here when I get back, but it would be nice to have a diversion even if only temporary.
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